I'm an Addict!!!

I just realized that I not only want Facebook.... I actually *gulp* need it.

I recently deactivated my Facebook account for the remainder of the semester because everytime I clicked the safari bubble to go online to look up some materials or find a chair for my project, I would soon find myself perusing my newsfeed. Sometimes I would end up on Facebook and not even remember why I came online in the first place! This started to worry me.. a lot actually. So I decided (with inspiration for an olympian athlete and also a fellow studio member) to shut it down.

after about 5 days without Facebook I can honestly say I feel like a drug addict. I have this nagging feeling like I'm missing out on things or the strangest things happen to me and I (seemingly) have no one to tell. I also feel really lonely and cut off from my friends who other than Facebook I would probably only be in contact with 3 days out of a year. I get the urge to log onto Facebook about 5 - 8 times a day I would estimate. It is seriously insane and I am ashamed of myself. I have a file on my computer that I am saving things so that once I do reactivate my page I can post things.... it's so embarrassing.

Can I really be addicted to Facebook? 

Can a person actually become addicted to an action? 

In all actuality I mainly use it so I don't feel so lonely when I am in studio late at night with no one around or if I've been cooped up with homework in my dorm for weeks on end. I don't feel like such a prisoner or slave to my project when I can check out what other people are doing. I can pretend that I am still connected and having fun. I almost start to live vicariously through other people who actually are having fun out in the real world. Its pretty weird but it actually makes me feel better when I can see what other people are doing. I find now I tend to bother my friends more. It's kind of funny that I actually think it's bothering to send 5 texts. but it kind of is. if everyone I knew sent me a minimum of 5 texts a day I would have a full inbox by noon. it just isn't possible to stay that close with 30 people, or 50 or 100 (or 600 for those of you who are REALLY popular).


I don't know how to end this entry except to say that I miss my FB account... Aug 13th at 6 P.M. I'll be back!

Jesus Christ

"Well Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die, I’m a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Do I float through the ceiling? Do I divide and fall apart?

'Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark

And the ship went down in sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands"

(sorry for such a long quote)

I try to question everything. That’s why I don’t believe in God. God is absolute. The end all, be all. If we all of humanity had no questions then we would never get any answers (or inventions, or technology, or any innovation what so ever). I am afraid of what happens to me when I die but I’m not afraid enough to accept any answer that might ease my mind. In fact, I would rather believe this is the only life you get because it would bring about a better appreciation of everything. If you know your time is limited, one tries to be the best they can be, to see all they can and basically get as much as they can out of this crazy, organized, random, chaos, of semi-linked events. 

I can relate anything back to a video game or movie -I’d like to think it is a hidden talent of mine- but It is just like in the game Mass Effect, the Asari race lives for centuries and they are still kids in a sense when they are under 100 years old or so. They see us as sort of bullies in the universe, we run around and get what we want, but it is because we need to get things done in a short time. As a singular person, we don’t have very long to live so we have a crazy ambition that other races do not posses/need. They have eons to get their problems solved. 

Even in the movie Troy, there was a quote that stuck with me:

“I'll tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now, and we will never be here again.”

That is probably one of the most beautiful arrangement of words that I had heard up until that point in my life, and it doesn’t hurt that Brad Pitt spoke them ;)

The Internet

The internet is a strange, wonderful, terrifying, mind altering thing... I probably couldn't live without it now that I've had it for so long. I'm a cyborg :( 

Cyborg?

Just because we discovered the earth is't actually flat, doesn't mean we still don't call it earth. the properties may change and our perception of a thing may evolve but we don't change the name. We are not cyborgs... we are just enhanced. we are still human at the core. The thing that makes us human is intangible just like gravity, or dark matter. I don't think it is about gender, art, or any physical thing (almost on a daily basis I have an argument about if a person is a man or woman so theres that.)

The Matrix

So this thought has been plaguing me for sometime and I have no idea if it is true or pessimistic or what... but here it is.... yet again a quote from a movie..

"I'd like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species, and I realized that humans are not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment; but you humans do not. Instead you multiply, and multiply, until every resource is consumed. The only way for you to survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern... a virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer on this planet, you are a plague, and we... are the cure."  - Agent Smith

 The Matrix has to be one of my favorite movies ever, and every time I watch it I hear Agent Smith say this to Morpheus and it bugs me for days afterwards. It is such an insightful and scary observation and i do not know what to make of it. Could it be true that all we humans really are is a plague on a normally balanced planet?

I keep wondering if we were just a mistake and we don't have a place in this world. Maybe (like a virus) we will keep on multiplying until we kill off the host (the earth)

Kind of a weird thought but If we don't change our ways of thinking, I don't see much hope for the human race or anyother life form on this planet for that matter.